BEING the saddo that I am, I decided to watch the royal wedding on the Fox Network – a right-wing US new station. And I have to say that it was worth it. Okay, I didn’t see the event in HD but I did get an entirely different perspective on proceedings. Yes, the Americans were impressed. Yes, they loved it. But they were much less deferential than anyone on the BBC or ITV.
They were mystified by a lot, but especially by those strange bird’s nest things so many women were wearing on their heads. “What do you call it, a fascinator?” asked presenter Shep Smith incredulously. And then when Princess Beatrice emerged from a car: “She seems to have an Easter egg on her head.” Actually, to me, it looked more like some sort of satellite television receiving equipment. Whatever it was, it was seriously weird.
At the end, we saw Victoria Beckham emerging from Westminster Abbey. “Doesn’t she look chic? That fascinator, it’s like two antelope horns.”
For the record, Princess Eugenie wore a hat resembling a strawberry punnet, and when they were talking abut Zara Phillips, Shep asked: “Is she the one wearing the flying saucer?”
The Americans were also at a loss with the various ranks of royals. Shep couldn’t understand why some were in Rollers and Bentleys while others travelled by bus: “Gee, you’ve got be pretty put-out if you’re a member of the royal family and they make you travel by coach.”
And then we got the fly-past by the RAF. I really don’t think they realised the Lancaster and two Spitfires were the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight. I’m sure they thought those planes were actually in service. Given the crazy defence cuts we’ve had, they may not be too far off the mark.
Shep was also tickled by the fact the couple have been renamed the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge – and I can understand where he was coming from. I’m fed up of prime ministers handing out gongs to butter up their supporters and would get rid of the honours list tomorrow. I’m certain Cherie Blair used to watch the telly and then shout: “Tony, Ant and Dec are on. Can’t go give them a peerage or something?”
Think about it. What on earth did Jonathan Ross or Gordon Ramsay do to deserve an honour? If all you have to do is swear then I know loads of people who should have dukedoms. Remember that the entire Ashes squad got MBEs in 2005 – and I mean the entire squad? As one Aussie said at the end of 2006, when we were losing 5-0 Down Under: “I sure thought you’d have to be involved a little more than five minutes to get an imperial gong.”
Sir Elton John is another one who has profited. What’s happened to him? It looks like his head has been recreated from wax and then melted. If he paid a plastic surgeon, he ought to ask for his money back. When that little kid grows up his friends will be too scared to come round to the house.
As for me, I thought Kate looked gorgeous, but then I always have. As for her dress, well all I can say is, it was white. What was all the fuss about? A wedding dress is a wedding dress. I thought her sister Pippa looked better in that figure-hugging creation she was wearing. What wonderful hips.
Anyway, although you may not have noticed, I am, in fact, an ardent royalist. I thought the whole day was great. I didn’t have a flag or a hat, but from one loyal subject, God bless ’em.
