WHAT has happened to shaving? It ought to be one of the most fundamental male functions (yes I know there are women who could do with pulling a razor across their face in the morning – I’ve been out with some of them) but companies like Gillette have turned it into a type of beauty ritual - and a very expensive one I might add.
Fair enough, I would probably rip my face to shreds if I was to use one of those old metal things into which you slid a blade. But come on, do we really need five cutting edges in one razor? And what’s this latest thing, the Fusion Proglide?
If you want to believe the publicity, it has thinner, finer blades, with Gillette’s most advanced low -resistance coating. This, apparently, makes for less tug and pull – whatever that is.
Going back 45 years or so, they made twin-blade razors because they found out that the traditional razor actually pulled out a bit of whisker which the second edge could lop off. In recent years, however, it’s become a competition to see how many blades you can cram on the end of a stick and put to your face.
This wouldn’t necessarily bother me except that as each blade is added, the price of a packet increases. It’s now something stupid like a tenner for half-a-dozen blades and then they try to get you spend a fortune on their special gels and salves. Course, it’s not ordinary shaving – it’s now a high-tech shaving experience (yeah!).
I use a Wilkinson Sword Protector, which costs about half the price of the posh stuff, but I have an awful feeling they’re about to get rid of them. Soon you won’t be able to shave unless you’re prepared to pay inflated prices. Surely it’s a man’s right to have a cheap shave.
And have you noticed the television commercials? They’re like the male equivalent of women’s undie ads. There are no ordinary blokes in them – only model-types with six-pack stomachs. And who shaves wearing a crisp white towel about the waist? I just stand there in my grundies, gut flopping over the wash basin.
Obviously you need to take care when you shave. I can remember coming out of the bathroom with blood seeping all over the place. Never mind a shave, it was more like death by 1,000 cuts. I did try using a styptic pencil to staunch the flow and didn’t that hurt? Finally, I discovered that my face was being dried out by soap and that aloe lotion could make all the difference. I now use a concoction from Body Shop that contains something called Peruvian maca root. 
But my problems never came close to matching those of my mate Tim. On holiday in Australia in 1991 he shed so much blood that anyone going into the bathroom would have thought there had been a murder.